A Simple Way to Tame Strong Emotions

Anyone can use this classic Buddhist technique to develop more emotional stability

Photo by Sergey Zolkin on Unsplash

Emotions!

We want the good ones, and we don’t want the bad ones. Yet, we repeatedly experience the same frustrating reactions.

We may instantly blame one another for our emotional responses—I have many times. But where does that get you? It can lead to arguments, strained relationships, and a deficit in one's happiness account.

Ultimately, the propensity to respond in a particular way—with anger, jealousy, fear, or another emotion—resides within.

Are you willing to become conscious of and accept responsibility for your feelings, emotions, and reactions?

If you answered “yes” to my question, Tibetan Buddhism offers an age-old technique for achieving emotional stability. It was developed by the 8th-century CE Indian philosopher and Buddhist monk Shantideva.

This technique is universally relevant. Anyone can use it regardless of whether they subscribe to a particular faith. I cherish this practice and use it myself.

Strange as it might sound, it involves imitating a log.

How to Interrupt an Emotional Reaction

Contemporary Buddhist teachers still teach Shantideva’s method centuries later. Popular author and Buddhist nun Pema Chödron calls this approach “refraining, " and meditation master Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche calls it “the mindful gap.”

Let’s go back to the source and read Shantideva’s exact instructions for working with difficult emotions:

“When the urge arises in the mind
To feelings of desire or angry hate, Do not act!
Be silent, do not speak.
And like a log of wood be sure to stay.”

And when your mind is wild and filled with mockery,
Or filled with pride and haughty arrogance,
Or when you would expose another’s secret guilt,
To bring up old dissensions or act deceitfully,

Or when you want to fish for praise,
Or criticize and spoil another’s name,
Or use harsh language, sparring for a fight,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.

And when you yearn for attention, wealth, and fame,
A circle of retainers serving you,
And when you look for honors, recognition,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.

And when you’re inclined to overlook another’s need
And want the best thing for yourself
And when you feel the urge to speak,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.

Impatience, indolence, faintheartedness,
And likewise arrogance and careless speech,
Attachment to your side—when these arise,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.”
—Shantideva, The Way of the Bodhisattva

I’ve added fuel to the fire many times when emotionally triggered. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut because I felt mortally wounded, self-righteous, or aggravated, sometimes by even a tiny matter.

Can you relate?

No one teaches us how to manage our emotions, but it’s one of the most important skills we can learn.

Shantideva offers a simple solution: remain like a log.

What does that mean?

Stop Feeding the Storyline

Shantideva spells it out when he says not to speak or act.

This is not suppression but rather its opposite. Once you’ve created a story about a situation and begun acting it out, you’ve distanced yourself from the original emotion. That’s repression.

We go deeply into stories like:

• “That’s not fair!”

• “You shouldn’t have been late.”

• “You always treat me like I’m stupid.”

But often, our stories are a cover-up for our emotional dysfunction. We don’t want to feel the pain, so we externalize.

A mindful gap allows you to cool down. It gives you space to consider another perspective. It provides time for insight to arise. It can help you stop repeating the same negative cycle once again.

When you refrain from speaking and acting and instead remain like a log in Shatideva’s words, you can stay present with the energy of the emotion. When you drop the storyline and remain in the moment, an emotion will let go and move on naturally.

Science has verified this. In her book My Stroke of Insight, neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor says an emotion takes about 90 seconds to dissolve when triggered.

But you must have the courage to stop feeding the storyline and remain like a log to make this work.

The Best Times to Take a Mindful Gap

According to Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön, there are three times during an emotional reaction when you can refrain or take a mindful gap.

• There can be a subtle response to an emotional trigger at the ember stage. This is the preverbal stage before the storyline develops. Most people are unable to catch themselves at this point. However, it becomes easier for those who meditate and come to know their mind's tendencies.

• The next place you can intervene is after the storyline has started, but before it becomes incredibly intense.

• You can also refrain once the emotion has turned into a full-blown fire. Many people don’t notice an emotion until it reaches this stage. Interrupting an intense feeling and a strong storyline can be challenging, but it’s still possible.

Once you’ve practiced this for a while, catching your response and letting go gradually becomes more effortless. You might laugh kindly at yourself when you notice the same response popping up again.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to catch your emotions before they fling you into a downward spiral?

3 Techniques to Help You Take a Mindful Gap

What should you do when you take a mindful gap?

The main point is to feel your feelings. Although this might initially feel uncomfortable, it’s the only way to heal the pattern. However, it might be best to do it in small doses at first.

Of course, use caution if you’re a trauma survivor or experience other mental health issues. Check with your therapist first before using these techniques. You don’t want to trigger a flare.

Each time you refrain from repeating the pattern, it loses some of its power. With time and repetition, the pattern will dissolve.

Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche offers these three techniques to help you take a mindful gap:

1. Tune into your physical body with a sense of curiosity rather than judgment. How does the emotional reaction affect your body?

2. Heighten your sense perceptions. Listen to the sounds around you. Look around the room. This is like the practice of orienting recommended by trauma experts to calm stress or trauma responses.

3. Take a deep breath, thoroughly filling your lungs. Then, let the breath out with a relaxing “ah.”

Each of these methods can interrupt the momentum of your emotional reaction, which sometimes seems to go at the speed of light.

Apply the Practice with Self-Kindness

It might seem like emotions control you. And in a sense, if you don’t know how to work with them, they do. But most people can learn to tame troublesome emotions.

As strange as it might sound, you can learn to interrupt disruptive emotional patterns by emulating a log. Just like a log remains still, almost immovable, you too can pause when you notice your emotional response is out of control.

As Shantideva advises, don’t speak, don’t act. Feel your emotions and let them dissolve themselves.

Counteracting strong emotional patterns is not easy. It takes time and practice. Apply refraining as best you can, but don’t have unrealistic expectations.

You’ll probably trip up many more times before you create the habit of taking a mindful gap. Be kind to yourself when an emotion catches you. But keep up with the practice, and in time, you’ll be able to remain just like a log.

Sources:

The book links are affiliate links, which means I’ll receive a small commission if you purchase them at no extra cost.

• Turn Your World Around, Three Steps for Emotional Transformation course with Pema Chödrön.

• Emotional Rescue: How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy That Empowers You by Dzogchen Ponlop.

• My Stroke of Insight, a Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey by Jill Bolte Taylor, PhD

Enjoy weekly advice on cultivating a calm and clear mind, whatever your tradition, from a long-time, though somewhat wayward, meditator. Become a paid or free subscriber.