How to Keep Your Heart Open in a World That Hurts
Adding distress to distress will never end suffering. Try this simple practice instead.
Suffering abounds in this world. Once you open your eyes to all the pain and sorrow, you might start crying and never stop.
School shootings, human trafficking, child labor, domestic abuse—the list goes on and on. There’s also the suffering of family and friends when they’ve been struck by illness, misfortune, or the death of a loved one.
And now, outrageous tariffs have plunged the world into economic instability. Retail prices will increase, people will lose jobs, and some businesses will be forced to fold—more suffering.
Sometimes, all the suffering seems too much to bear.
That’s when I turn to the practice of “Giving and Receiving on the Breath.” You, too, can find refuge in this simple practice of breathing in the suffering of others and sending out happiness on the breath.
How to Practice Giving and Receiving on the Breath
The practice of Exchanging Oneself and Others (Tonglen in Tibetan), called Giving and Receiving on the Breath, was taught widely in Tibet by the famed spiritual master Geshe Chekhawa (1101–1175). It became an integral part of the compassion teachings in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition.
Anyone who desires to relieve the suffering of others can practice giving and receiving on the breath, whatever your spiritual tradition.
Here are simple instructions on how to do the practice, given by Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche (1910–1991) in his book The Heart of Compassion.
“Sometimes, visualize that your heart is a brilliant ball of light. As you breathe out, it radiates rays of white light in all directions, carrying your happiness to all beings. As you breathe in, their suffering, negativity, and afflictions come toward you in the form of dense, black light, which is absorbed into your heart and disappears in its brilliant white light without a trace, relieving all beings of their pain and sorrow.”
Practice for the World: Use Dilgo Khyentse’s example and practice for all suffering beings. Or focus on one particular group—victims of a natural disaster, children who are starving, or individuals subject to a specific injustice. You can also practice for a group of animals like all polar bears that face extinction due to climate change.
Practice for Individuals: You can practice for an individual person or animal. For example, imagine your aunt who has cancer in your mind’s eye. Send her ease in the form of white light as described above. Breathe in all her pain in the form of black light right into your heart, where it dissolves into brilliant white light.
Practice for Yourself: While it’s not part of the age-old tradition, contemporary Buddhist teachers have adapted Tonglen in ways that can address our individual suffering.
For example, imagine two of you: The part of you who suffers and the wise, compassionate, loving you.
In your mind’s eye, you sit facing one another. The wise you breathes in your pain in the form of black light and sends healing white light to the part of you who suffers. The part of you who suffers receives the healing light, and gradually, her pain dissolves.
Will Tonglen work?
The Impact of Exchanging Oneself and Others
Is Tonglen just a mental placebo, or could it have a real effect?
“By sincerely training in the meditation practice of exchanging suffering with happiness, you will eventually become capable of actually taking on others’ illnesses and curing them, and of giving them your happiness in reality.” — The Heart of Compassion, Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche
There are many stories of people in Tibet who have healed terminal illnesses through the practice of Tonglen. That wasn’t necessarily their intention, but recognizing the end of their life was near, they decided to focus exclusively on the practice. Instead of dying, they returned home fully healed.
Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche’s statement and these stories from Tibet may seem incredible or impossible.
But you can trust, at the very least, by opening yourself to the suffering of others through sending and receiving on the breath, you’ll become more compassionate and loving. You’ll be more willing to reach out and help others in whatever ways you can. Your attachment to self, called “self-cherishing,” will gradually diminish, bringing more ease and clarity into your life.
Self-cherishing is not the same as healthy self-esteem. Self-cherishing refers to an over-focus on one’s self. This kind of self-centeredness rarely brings lasting happiness but results in suffering instead.
The practice of Giving and Receiving on the Breath will expand your capacity in ways you’ve never imagined.
When to Practice Giving and Receiving on the Breath
Practice giving and receiving as much as you can—every day, if possible. It’s a practice that can be done whether you’re happy or sad, well or ill.
Devote time in your formal sitting meditation to relieve the suffering of others through the breath. If you don’t have a formal meditation practice, sit quietly in a chair or on your bed and do this breathing practice.
Practice Tonglen in daily life. Whenever you hear news of suffering, breathe in the pain and send your happiness in exchange. Whenever you see someone suffering, breathe in their misery and send your goodness to them.
People with life-threatening illnesses have found this a powerful practice. Instead of focusing tightly on their pain, which often makes it worse, they send white light to others who have the same illness and breathe in the darkness of the other’s pain. The practice brings them ease.
Tonglen is not a replacement for social action. It’s not like you sat on your bum, did a little breathing, and did your part. The two can complement one another.
Indeed, the practice can make you more inclined to social action because you have opened your heart to suffering instead of turning away from it. Your social action will be more powerful and effective when fueled by compassion rather than hatred or rage.
While it’s only human to despair at times, adding our distress to the suffering of others will never end suffering. Instead, practice Giving and Receiving on the Breath. You’ll become a light for a better world.
A Short Guided Practice of Giving and Receiving
In this short four-minute video, Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön beautifully delineates various circumstances in which you can apply Tonglen and guides you in a brief practice.
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Sandra, I was introduced to Tonglen many years ago and have found the practice very powerful, though not always easy. But what practice is?
However, I've never practiced it for myself. Thank you for that addition. As we do our best to hold the suffering with the joy, it's equally important to do that in our own lives. I needed this today.
Give thanks, Sandra, for sharing this powerful practice and way of thinking about the suffering in the world. A deep bow and a lotus for you 🙏🪷🩵